estoy nerviosa...

The idea has been lurking in my head for a while, but it has finally become apparent. I can't go to Brooks anymore. There are too many things about this school that I don't like, that I can't handle. Plus the 30 grand in tuition each year and having to borrow every penny I need to live off of.

It's a little scary that I've realized this so late in the session. Two weeks ago I was still hopeful. But it dawned on me that I really never should have come to this school in the first place. I'm glad I did, though. I'm glad I was able to escape, as poorly planned as it was.

Bryan likes to remind me of how I picked the first school that came to me, never even bothered to learn the details, and just went for it. Like it's a bad thing. Sure, it hasn't worked out very well but it's not like I'm giving up. I think I would be much happier in a more "normal" class setting. It would be nice to be forced to meet new people once in a while instead of having class with the same dozen people for 3 years.

I'm trying really hard to finish my photo class with a decent grade, even though I stopped doing the assignments like, 2 weeks ago or so...I'm going to have most of them done. Maybe 1 missing, but that's kinda normal for me anyway. I was going to shoot 4 assignments yesterday with Greg, but the universe didn't want me to. First my car over heated on the way to Greg's, so I had to park somewhere and have him come get me. Then I realized that I forgot my frickin' light stand and, well, at that point I was willing to give up for the day, but Greg insisted that we went back to my place to retreive it. Even though my place is a 20 minute drive away.

It actually took over an hour just to get to my place because traffic was really bad. There had been a big crash and an oil spill and traffic was backed up for like 10 miles, at least. I felt really bad. It wasn't like that on the way back though.

So by the time that was all over it was like 6. Too late for daylight shots, which narrowed down my assignments a lot. I was only able to shoot 2 when I could've done 4 or 5.

So I keep thinking "what do I need to do?" Well, I need to go to academic affairs and tell them I'm dropping out, I suppose. Or at least tell them I'm not registering for classes next session. Then I need to find a job. I'll probably pick Trader Joe's because it's right down the street and I know they only want full time people. Then I guess I'll spend a couple of months saving for next semester. I'll have to get myself acquainted with the sbcc campus in the mean time...

*sigh* ...

I just hope this is the last time I have to change my mind, you know? I know I'm still young but I've persued so many things already. I'm really willing to stick to photography, even if that means getting an artsy fartsy Art degree. It's still my dream to live in Santa Cruz...

Brooks is just so ridiculously expensive, I don't know how I ever rationalized going that far in debt for 3 years of school.

On the UCSC website, they estimate that a year would cost about $25,000. That includes tuition, rent, books, transportation, everything. That's $5,000 less than the cost of what my tuition is alone at Brooks. That kind of money is simply not available to people like me. If I went to a UC I would have a less hectic school schedule for sure, which means I could probably find a job and then have to worry even less about loans.

It's all making so much more sense now. That Brooks and I weren't meant to be. That my dreams haven't really changed, I just ignored them for things that seemed to be "better."

It's a little overwhelming when you realize how much control you have over your life. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have this much responsibility put on me, but who else is going to do it? I just sort of have to find things out for myself.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I've got so much on my mind. Maybe I should focuse a little bit more on my last days as a Brooks student.