Blog of the century...

Hah! So...Bryan over reacts way too much....So here's what happened:

Bryan starts telling me about Becca's new facebook photo. Becca is his old girlfriend who is totally stupid and pisses me off with her stupidity and utter obliviousness. I suppose in the photo she looked like she had recently orgasmed and looked pleased, or something. So he commented about it. And he was telling me about it.
And I became insulted. Because he is engaged to me and shouldn't be making sexual jokes to other women, RIGHT? So what happens? He totally gets pissed off, because our opinions are polar opposites. Suddenly everything becomes about how hurtful I am and he completely disregards the fact that I was insulted, because my expressing my feelings insulted him. He is always invalidating me!

So I told him I was taking Becca off of my friends list. I hadn't deleted her, yet. I only hid her updates. He said "Fine, we don't have to know her" or something...
And I told him he didn't have to change anything. He can be friends with her, but I don't want to be. So he fucking deleted his entire facebook account!!! What a bitch! Seriously!
I am SO FUCKING CLOSE, sister! So close. He impedes on my joy. He intrudes on my appreciatio for life. Up until recently I was just as depressed as he is, but I've evolved. I want to be free and be a part of this world. As messed up as the world is, it's the only one we have and we have to love it. RIGHT?! You can't just be hateful all the time. And he really is hateful. I used to be hateful, too. But, like I said, I've evolved. I've grown. I've progressed.

He's so messed up. I don't see how he can see this as a healthy relationship. He really wants to marry me. He really wants to be with me for the rest of his life. (His life, which, just like he reminds me from time to time, will end slowly and painfully of kidney failure) But when he gets mad his first reaction is to get mad. Then his second reaction is to push away.

Like, for the earth day festival. I was fucking devastated, dude. I was almost crying while we were still fucking there at the festival. I could hold back the tears but my lungs could not hold back the sighing. When we got home he finally asked if I was okay and then I started crying to him.

I was sad. Genuinely sad, hurt and disappointed. Going to earth day was a big deal for me. I wanted to go last year, but I was still too afraid to explore. I still remember battling myself all day trying to decide if I wanted to go. But I was afraid... But this year was different! I have confidence! I have happiness! I want to celebrate the earth! But once we got there, all Bryan saw was booths of people trying to sell stuff, or "people preaching about how the way we treat the ocean will doom us all", or people wearing smelly perfume that made his head hurt...
Oh! And the music was shitty and on a shitty sound system.
SO FUCKING WHAT? Why be so FUCKING judgemental over a god damned set of speakers?!
And the music was not shitty. It was beautiful! It was a local reggae band jamming their hearts out. The female vocalist was so uplifting. And why not just stop and appreciate the music coming from their hearts?? Music is such a big part of life, and I don't think one should descriminate so harshly.
I LOVE live music. If it music, I love it. Unforunately Bryan is hateful and judgemental, even with something as essential to our beings as music.
And he fucking listens to Dubstep! NOT real music, if you ask me! GAH!! *rips hair out!*

So what is Bryan's reaction to me being so hurt? Oh, of course! Isn't it obvious? Pack up his shit and say that he's leaving. But once he's finally packed, buckled in and with his keys in the ignition, he asks if I want to talk about it because he doesn't want to leave!!
What. The. Fuck?!?!? Is that about!!?? CRAZY PERSON!

And I'm not the kind of girl that is going to be chasing after him crying. Oh, no. If he wants to go, he can fucking go. I'll be fine. But then he turns shit around and says he wants to talk...And I just handle having such hard mood swings. It's ridiculous. He needs some fucking medication. He's not sane.

But I still care for him. He gets suicidally lonely just by being away from me for a couple of weeks. What would he do if I broke up with him? I would have to live with the fact that I ruined him. I'm really the best thing that has happened to him. He's never been happier, believe it or not...It scares me. Thinking that I could rip away someone's happiness by leaving them. And I know if we broke up there would be very little chance of us talking again. He would write me off, for sure. I'm afraid of being completely disconnected from him. And I am afraid for him.

I have so much empathy for him. As crazy as he is, he does have it pretty hard in some aspects. Every day he wakes up to his swollen kidneys painfully reminding him of his disease that will one day kill him. Somdays he's sick to his stomach because of it. He's always throwing up when he's stressed...He hardly sleeps anyway. He's a total insomniac, and not by choice. He can't turn off his brain and relax. And when he does sleep, he has nightmares that everyone around him is dead and rotting ... All the time he goes through this. It's kind of no wonder why he has such a negative outlook on life.

I know I was told that sometimes sacrifices have to be made...But this is a HUGE sacrifice. This is someone's life. I would be sacrificing his well-being for mine. I don't know how I would live with it; worrying about him, knowing that I caused him such pain and despair...

I feel like I should try and convince Bryan to work on repairing our communication skills and try to better understand each other. But there's something that tells me I wouldn't be able to reach him. There's certainly no way I can convince him to just be happy and appreciative. Our relationship is so imbalanced. He only gets to see me on weekends, when I'm working all afternoon, and most of the time he'll bring me food at work and then leave to be in my room all alone. He could hang out at my work and use our internet and study, and it would be a way for me to see him more, but he chooses not to. So I only see him in the morning and at night. And we always just end up smoking pot and having sex. Which is great for him. It's all he wants. It makes him really, really happy. I can't wake up in the morning without him being next to me waiting to put it in me! No joke! He wakes up way before I do and works himself up so when I wake up he's super excited and I'm hardly awake...having sex...

Not that I don't enjoy sex. And I appreciate so much that I have become so liberated while being with Bryan, but it's become way too much of a main focus, in my opinion. Bryan has spent so much money lately on fancy bedroom equipment...I really find it to be a waste of money. Even if our sex-life has become more exciting from what he's bought it still doesn't improve the relationship. To me, it emphasizes the fact that our energy isn't being put towards something that could improve our relationship. And I begin to find it more and more frivolous. I begin to get more and more sick of Bryan's sex jokes pertaining to me. Most of which are not appreciated because sex was not the topic of conversation. There's just been way too much emphasis put on sex lately. I guess I just don't appreciate it like Bryan does. He probably uses sex as a way to alter his reality...just like with pot...

And how about pot? I'll make this point short: Bryan's addicted. I'm not. I don't know how I feel about being in a relationship with an addict...

I've been writing this for far too long. Time to end this blog.