Birthday re-do

So, sorry if that last post was a little depressing. I tend to be like that.

My room mates took me out last saturday. It was about 9:30 and I was already in sweats, prepared to watch TV until I fell asleep. I was in the kitchen getting some chips and salsa and Caitlin just sort of popped out and invited me to go out with them. I had to make sure I had good clothes to wear before I said yes. Also I was afraid I wouldn't have time to shower and I wasn't about to go out sticky from sweating and smelling of espresso.
But I did have clothes! And I did have time to shower! So I went out!

We went to Wildcat, lovingly nicknamed the Shitty Kitty...I thought it was pretty nice though...They had girls dancing in their panties up on platforms. And there was a DJ and real dance floor! You can't get those in Napa...

I was very nervous when we first got there. I'm sure if you held onto my arm or something you could feel me shaking. Jason immediately ordered 3 Burl Shots for us. I have no idea what a Burl shot is or what's in it...It's a mixture of things. I had to hold my hand under my chin so I didn't dribble on myself. We only hung out at that bar for that first drink, then moved to the back where there's an outdoor area with more tables and another bar...and cocktail waitresses with rockabilly styles!

It's really easy to drink too much when other people keep ordering you rounds! I was drinking screwdrivers. We also had another round of burl shots that I can remember.

I honestly can't tell you much about how the night went. But there was lots of booze, lots of people and very loud music. Me and Caitlin even went dancing for a minute to say hi to a friend of hers. It turns out I worked with her friend at Starbucks in Goleta. That's actually the last real conversation I remember having.

I woke up at 9 the next morning, still drunk. I was completely stripped down on bottom but still had my bra and both shirts on. My sheet wasn't on the bed and my bed was wet. Honestly I was still to careless to think about it. My purse was in the bathroom with a bottle of water in it. I got a glass of Emergen-C, talked to Caitlin and Jason for a little bit and went back to bed.

Jason told me how much I was stumbling around. We have a really long driveway and I had to hold on to the cars. And Jason was holding my arm and I was like "let go of my arm!" and almost face planted into a pole.

So, yeah, I went back to sleep, in my wet naked bed. I layed the flat sheet down. I didn't even care at that point to see what happened to the other sheet and why it was off the bed. I woke up again around 1:30 when Bryan called me. He wasn't very happy at the situation. Of course. But I was feeling shittier and shittier by the second and I really didn't care what he thought because that's how I wanted my birthday to go! When I got off the phone I realized it was time to get ready for work. Then I noticed the dried puke in my hair. FUCK! It was so gross! I had to wash my hair twice!

After I got out of the shower I called my boss and told her I couldn't come in. I was feeling hella weak and shakey. I'm lucky my boss is so cool and personable. I literally told her "I went out with my room mates and woke up with puke in my hair. I can't work today" So she got the other girls working to stay longer. Thank god for that!

I gradually noticed more and more details about the room. Like the puke stains on the carpet. And my pants on the floor were also wet. Then I noticed puke on the wall. Oh! And the blanket I was sleeping with had puke on it. The very last straw was when I finally had the courage to see what happened to my sheet.

Yup. I puked all over my bed, ripped the sheet off and went back to sleep. Do you have any idea what a horrible feeling that is?? To realize you did such a thing??

I also had mystery bruises. Pretty bad ones, too. Even now, a week later, they're still visible. There's one on top of my hand around the two middle knuckles. There's also a mark on my face. From what? I don't know! I'm glad I don't remember hurting myself and puking! Throwing up sucks!

So I spent the day lying on the couch in pain. I had to drink water but I didn't have the energy too. I hardly had the energy to clean my bedding. Finally at around 7 I cleaned the spots out of my carpet but I still felt sick. It wasn't until about 9 that I felt normal again. It was a bad day.

But I don't regret it! And Bryan is the only fucking person that hasn't supported me on it. And, really, the only reason he got so upset is because he knew how much I wanted my birthday to be like that and he couldn't give me that experience. That's why he gets upset. He's upset at himself, not me. He just likes to project. I know how to handle it by now.

Okay, so one more funny thing. There's a regular at work that works for the Pedi-Cab (guys on bikes towing a cart for people), and the other day he was like "I saw you at Wildcat last saturday!"
And I was like "oh no! what time was it when you saw me?"
He answered "It was around the time you were saying 'I can't feel my face!!'"

This guy sees me at work every day and now I'm embarrassed every time I see him. But only because it's so fucking funny!
I can't feel my face!!
Oh god, just like mom! :|

Just another day

So, yes, I'm 21. My birthday sucked though. I was in SLO with Bryan and I pretty much knew before hand that I wasn't going to party and have fun because I was with Bryan and he doesn't do loud crowded places. It's really annoying.

I mean, I may have somewhat debilitating social anxieties but I still want to be with people. I'm just always so afraid of people shutting me out. I can't make myself stand out in a crowd, and the way I was treated by other students at Brooks makes me think that I'm just unlikeable. That I have nothing in common with anybody. That I talk about weird things that nobody is interested in. I need a lot of encouragement and support in order to go out to a bar or club and have a good time. I need somebody to do it with me so I don't feel stupid. If I'm by myself then I just sit there and think about how I don't have it in me to socialize with the people around me. I totally clam up and shut down. Just sitting there, being nervous.

And that's what it was like going out on my birthday. I only went to one bar, and only because they had $1 pints of very tasty beer. Mom was shocked to find out I like beer. When I showed my ID (to the bartender and the door man) they were just like "Is that today? Oh. Happy birthday."
I didn't get anything for free. No high-fives. No cheers. NO NOTHING. I bought alcohol twice before I even got carded. It was bullshit!

The first place that we went to, Vallarta's I was expecting to get a free ginormous margarita, because that's what they do at Vallarta's on your 21st birthday. But, no, not for me. So I ordered a normal margarita and payed $7.95 for it. The girl didn't check my ID and then had the nerve to wish me a happy birthday when we left! Argh. I really didn't want to do anything after that but I felt I had to. I felt there was a chance it would get better. But it didn't. After Vallarta's we went back home to meet up with Chrispy and walked downtown. We were walking to the first bar that I picked out, Bull's Tavern, mom and Tim liked it there so I thought I'd try it out. But when we got there there was hella loud metal playing and like 5 people outside smoking and I instantly knew I couldn't go in there.

So that's when we went to Downtown Brew, the place with $1 beer. We stayed there for about and hour, ordered an appetizer...we were going to have dinner there but the kitchen was closing so we just got simple stuff...I wanted to go up to the bar and ask the bartender's recommendation for a birthday drink, but of course I too nervous. I kept stalling. First I wanted to finish my beer, then I wanted to wait until there wasn't too many people at the bar. I didn't want to take the bartenders time, you know? Then a bachelorette party came in and that was pretty much the end of it. Of course, Bryan had to let me know that I waited too long. Thank you for re affirming that I practically ruined my own night.

When we left downtown brew we just decided to head to the liquor store and go home. Mom called me right when we got to the store. She was drunk and happy and wanted to see how my birthday was going. Of course I started crying. I had already been holding it back before she even called. Even after that I was still convinced the night must go on, so I bought stuff for car bombs then we headed home again. I really had to pee and Bryan was pissed at me for not being happy. Perfect reaction, right? I know. That's totally how you should treat your scared girlfriend. Douche. By the time he got home he wasn't even bothering to walk with me or Chrispy. He was like 20 feet ahead of us. Being a dick.

He didn't do a car bomb with me. He didn't smoke with me. We got through half an episode of Family Guy and he went to his room. So when the ep was over I decided to go to bed, too. But then it turned out Bryan wasn't going to bed, but he was in his bed with a blanket over his head and the lights off??? What else am I supposed to take that for? It's not like he fucking told me anything. He was so mad at me. Called me a bitch and said fuck you to me because of the way I acted all night. I don't understand why. I was just like "why are you still talking?" Then I cried. A lot. By myself. He was saying good bye to Chrispy. I'm glad that Bryan always apologizes. He knows that he has a temper. I've come to expect it now and when it happens I roll my eyes. But it's still upsetting. He's still an asshole. I still don't deserve it. I don't know how much more I can stand, but he's all I have and I'm afraid if we're not a couple he won't want anything to do with me. He'll be too hurt.

So that's how my birthday went. Just another sad day in my struggle of a life.

Ranting!

So, I've been having some major issues with my room mates lately. The biggest concern I have is that if I try to say something they will disregard it. Or even worse try to argue. They're not very wholesome people, and up until this point we have never really clashed.

What's changed? Caitlin's boyfriend moved in. Lika moved out and Jason took her room. In the past Caitlin spent most of her nights at Jason's. Maybe one or two nights a week they would stay here. There would be people over maybe once a month, and there's only been 2 or 3 good sized parties in the past 8 months. The weekend after Jason moved in there must have been at least 20 people here. But that party was during the day so noise wasn't a big deal.

What's funny is that Caitlin will complain that the house is dirty and clean everything and then try to discuss how we can split up chores. Like clockwork, as soon as the house is clean they have a party and trash it. Then it stays pretty much the same until the next party. So, they're really slobs but want the house looking shiny for their friends.

Also, I'm a pretty quiet person. It's a little horrifying for me when I come home from work and there's a dozen people giving me funny looks for walking in on their party. It's a little horrifying for me when there's only 2 people giving me funny looks. Last time Bryan was here we had cooked a big meal and there were lots of dishes. Yes, it was a big mess. Caitlin complained to me about how much time Bryan had been spending here and it's inconsiderate to not give a heads-up before he comes to visit.

But having parties 2 or 3 times a week, where people are playing drinking games and cheering/yelling until 3 in the morning, without a heads up is not inconsiderate?

I know I'm not their friend, that is apparent. But I still pay just as much as they do to live in this house. We're sharing it. I need to let them know that I won't be pushed around by them. I know that they can be really cool if the conditions are right. I need to step out of the shadows and let them know that I'm on the same level as them.

Of course my initial reaction is to retaliate. I have plenty of music that I know their beer-drinking, baseball-watching, white bread-eating selves will despise. I hope hangovers go well with Primus...I slammed doors as I left this morning. Though I don't think slamming doors conveys much of a message to them. They don't know any other way to close a door.

It upsets me that Caitlin had to make such a big deal out of a sink full of dishes when I have SO MANY things I need to talk to them about. Sure the parties are the prominent issue right now, but here's a few other things:

Getting rid of old food in the fridge. They don't use the kitchen a lot, and they certainly don't eat a lot of fresh food that needs to be put away. Plus they're total wasteful Americans. So they'll make up a box of mac n' cheese or whatever, eat half of it and put the rest in the fridge. And never touch it again. They eat out a lot. But I'm poor and have to eat at home. And there's never any room in the fridge. It's full of leftovers and half-empty jars of salsa and pasta sauce. And sour cream containers. And country crock. Ew. Stuff that they buy and use for one night and never touch again. It takes up a lot of room! Guess who is the only one that will touch the old rotten food? Yeah...

Once again I have had this blog up for several hours and haven't posted it yet. That's a big enough rant for now.

Moving to Santa Cruz

Before I start this blog, I have to mention one thing: Joey has been missing for one week exactly. :(
What happened to him?! There are so many pit bulls around here. And the freeway. And mexican children...
We loved you Joey!! :((((((( (really long frown)

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last blogged. I could have sworn I was blogging more often than that.

Anyway, I need to discuss the realities of moving to Santa Cruz. I currently have $2,544 in the bank. I am going to spend 300 to fix my car and rent is $700 a month.

So, let's assume I am going to move the first of July, which is about 2 months from now. That means I'm going to be spending $1,400 (May and June) on rent before moving.

No I'm down to $844 in the bank. I'm currently earning about $400 a month from Hot Spots. So that will put another $800 in the bank before I move. That brings the bank total to $1,644. Plus daily tips. And there's always the hope that I'll find another job to work for a month and earn an extra $300...hopefully...sigh.

Also, I will be getting back my $625 deposit from this room when I move. And I will probably use it for the deposit on my next place. So we'll pretend that that money doesn't exist.

I haven't even mentioned what living expenses will take out of that! It's always so hard for me to predict how much I'm going to spend on food in a month. And I'm going to be using my car too. So there's gas, insurance, registration...How much money am I going to spend on gas to visit Bryan? I'm just so afraid I'm going to run out of money too quickly. Which I probably will. I mean, I'm excited to move to a new place that's more my style and closer to home, but it's still going to be difficult. I'm going to have to find another job.

I know that I won't have to worry about paying tuition. And who knows how much Pell Grant money Obama will give to me! (woo!) But I'll still probably have to make about $600 a month.

I was thinking maybe I could sell some photo equipment. Though it's cool to say I have a light meter and an SB-800 flash, I'd much rather get some real use out of them and sell them. I could sell the light meter for 150, the flash for 350. Plus I have a 4x5 tripod I could sell for 300. That would be cool if people actually bought that stuff from me. Then I'd be much less worried.

So, I really think I should move sooner rather than later. If I wait until August that will just mean that I have even less money to move with. If I move in July I will have enough money to live while I find a job and such.

I've been working on this blog for too long. I'm done now.

garble farble...

I'm slowly getting into downloading music. I've mostly downloaded music that I used to listen to while working at Inti. Arabic Groove! YAY. It's awesome.

But, you know what's totally NOT awesome?? Giving your number away to some freak who texts you too much! He always sends me a text right after I leave from talking to him face-to-face. It's so aggravating! He's determined to get me to visit him in Carpinteria, where he "lives" in a hotel. And he says we should smoke weed and have dinner. This something I might consider if I had my own car. And pepper spray.
Like I'm going to take the bus 15 miles away to see some dude who gets his money from sitting on a bench downtown all day with a deck of tarot cards...
Even though I'm never, ever going to do this, for some reason while he's suggesting it I just go along with it. I'm like, "Sure. Okay." It's like I'm not even listening to him. As soon as I start walking away it sinks in.

I've rehearsed in my head ways I could tell him to, well, stop talking to me. I've thought of ways that I could politely ask him to delete me from his phone. I'm positive he's going to ask why, or some other question that would require me explaining my actions. So I've also thought of nice ways to say that he was too forward and it made me regret ever talking to him.

I think I just have to explain to him that our "friendship" will remain on State Street and only face-to-face. No phones.

Then I'll avoid that spot as much as possible.

So it's Monday and I still haven't even checked to see if I work at Victoria's Secret this week. They never call if you don't show up for your shift, oddly enough. Just another reason their store is so inefficient. I'm 99% sure I'm going to get that job at Blenders. They need somebody with high volume beverage making experience. I told him that I worked at the third busiest Starbucks in California. I also think I got some points for putting "Blender Master!" under "Position desired" on the application.
A sense of humor seemed to be kind of important, too.

I also have to set up an interview at Java Jones. It would be cool if I worked there and at Blenders because they're like 50 feet away from each other. It could potentially reduce layover time in between jobs, thus increasing labor hours!

I NEED TO WORK! If only people knew how willing I was to work for them. Ya know? Seriously, nobody would ever regret hiring me. I would be a very grateful employee...
...until I have enough money to move away.

Then they could be my references for my next job in Santa Cruz!

I'm glad that I actually have a feasible plan for once. I know what school I'll go to. I'll know exactly what I should be studying. And I'm positive that I can find a room for cheaper than what I am paying here.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to buy a season pass to the Beach Boardwalk and ride the wooden roller coaster at least 5 times a week!! And I'll get season passes to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and go there with Bryan!

Yes, yes, I can't wait to be in The Bay again. The best place on earth.

So, I've gotta go to the college tomorrow, actually. I have some financial aid stuff to drop off. And I'm gonna go to the bookstore, too. Plus I have to pay off my fees and get an ID. With my SBCC ID and my Brooks bus pass me and Bryan can take the bus anywhere for free!
Hell, classes start in less than a week anyway. I might as well buy my books and find my classrooms, too.

I'm feeling lucky. I think it's all going to work out.

Another beautiful day in Hell...

I'm so over SoCal.
I've been researching moving to the Santa Cruz area. Not right now, obviously. But maybe in the fall. On craigslist the rooms for rent cost slightly less than here in Santa Barbara. Plus I wouldn't have to feel like a freak being a hippy in Santa Cruz! I could go to reggae concerts on the beach and attend the school that was my first choice way back in 11th grade (which is the first time I even thought about colleges.)

So, yeah. Santa Cruz or bust. Like I said, I've always wanted to go there. Plus santa cruz is only like 100 miles from Napa. I could totally come visit for a weekend...or maybe somebody could come and visit me???
(somebody who I actually want to come visit me)

There's this guy that hangs out on this bench downtown. He's in the same spot every day. He gives tarot card readings and burns sage and such. We've talked a few times because he thinks I'm gorgeous (no joke--gotta get the kindness from somewhere.) I don't have any money to give him so we exchange "magical hugs." Whatever that means. They're not very magical...

So, tarot dude's name is Jason. He always ends up telling me things about myself that I aready know but never let anyone know about. The cards I pulled today were "Control" and "Comparison"
So he basically suggested I go out and do something fun (lose control) and get two part time jobs--one that is solid and one that is flexible. He also told me that I would do better if I moved up north. Which of course is something I already knew. But it's also why I'm actually looking into it right now.

There's nothing I would rather do than work my ass off for the next 8 months so I can move the fuck out of SB. I would work 3 jobs if I had to.
It's not that SB is a bad place. It's beautiful. There's always something to do. But I just don't fit in. This place is not for me.

I'm a bay area hippy stuck in affluent so cal and it really sucks the life out of me.

So, there you have it. New plan: Move to Santa Cruz. Get my hippy spirit back. Spit on SB as I leave.

Also I want to change my major to Linguistics.