Just another day

So, yes, I'm 21. My birthday sucked though. I was in SLO with Bryan and I pretty much knew before hand that I wasn't going to party and have fun because I was with Bryan and he doesn't do loud crowded places. It's really annoying.

I mean, I may have somewhat debilitating social anxieties but I still want to be with people. I'm just always so afraid of people shutting me out. I can't make myself stand out in a crowd, and the way I was treated by other students at Brooks makes me think that I'm just unlikeable. That I have nothing in common with anybody. That I talk about weird things that nobody is interested in. I need a lot of encouragement and support in order to go out to a bar or club and have a good time. I need somebody to do it with me so I don't feel stupid. If I'm by myself then I just sit there and think about how I don't have it in me to socialize with the people around me. I totally clam up and shut down. Just sitting there, being nervous.

And that's what it was like going out on my birthday. I only went to one bar, and only because they had $1 pints of very tasty beer. Mom was shocked to find out I like beer. When I showed my ID (to the bartender and the door man) they were just like "Is that today? Oh. Happy birthday."
I didn't get anything for free. No high-fives. No cheers. NO NOTHING. I bought alcohol twice before I even got carded. It was bullshit!

The first place that we went to, Vallarta's I was expecting to get a free ginormous margarita, because that's what they do at Vallarta's on your 21st birthday. But, no, not for me. So I ordered a normal margarita and payed $7.95 for it. The girl didn't check my ID and then had the nerve to wish me a happy birthday when we left! Argh. I really didn't want to do anything after that but I felt I had to. I felt there was a chance it would get better. But it didn't. After Vallarta's we went back home to meet up with Chrispy and walked downtown. We were walking to the first bar that I picked out, Bull's Tavern, mom and Tim liked it there so I thought I'd try it out. But when we got there there was hella loud metal playing and like 5 people outside smoking and I instantly knew I couldn't go in there.

So that's when we went to Downtown Brew, the place with $1 beer. We stayed there for about and hour, ordered an appetizer...we were going to have dinner there but the kitchen was closing so we just got simple stuff...I wanted to go up to the bar and ask the bartender's recommendation for a birthday drink, but of course I too nervous. I kept stalling. First I wanted to finish my beer, then I wanted to wait until there wasn't too many people at the bar. I didn't want to take the bartenders time, you know? Then a bachelorette party came in and that was pretty much the end of it. Of course, Bryan had to let me know that I waited too long. Thank you for re affirming that I practically ruined my own night.

When we left downtown brew we just decided to head to the liquor store and go home. Mom called me right when we got to the store. She was drunk and happy and wanted to see how my birthday was going. Of course I started crying. I had already been holding it back before she even called. Even after that I was still convinced the night must go on, so I bought stuff for car bombs then we headed home again. I really had to pee and Bryan was pissed at me for not being happy. Perfect reaction, right? I know. That's totally how you should treat your scared girlfriend. Douche. By the time he got home he wasn't even bothering to walk with me or Chrispy. He was like 20 feet ahead of us. Being a dick.

He didn't do a car bomb with me. He didn't smoke with me. We got through half an episode of Family Guy and he went to his room. So when the ep was over I decided to go to bed, too. But then it turned out Bryan wasn't going to bed, but he was in his bed with a blanket over his head and the lights off??? What else am I supposed to take that for? It's not like he fucking told me anything. He was so mad at me. Called me a bitch and said fuck you to me because of the way I acted all night. I don't understand why. I was just like "why are you still talking?" Then I cried. A lot. By myself. He was saying good bye to Chrispy. I'm glad that Bryan always apologizes. He knows that he has a temper. I've come to expect it now and when it happens I roll my eyes. But it's still upsetting. He's still an asshole. I still don't deserve it. I don't know how much more I can stand, but he's all I have and I'm afraid if we're not a couple he won't want anything to do with me. He'll be too hurt.

So that's how my birthday went. Just another sad day in my struggle of a life.