I can't believe I get to go back to Napa! OMG! I'm not using my car, because my radiator is cracked and it overheats in like 2 minutes...But I'm using Amtrak and should be in town on Wednesday at 4 oclock downtown. I think Tim is going to end up picking me up cuz Mom will be working.
I can't wait to see Mom! I cry every time I think about it!
I feel like a total...I don't know, something...like a homesick little kid. Only it's way more complicated. I just can't wait to see everybody I know and tell them how much I love them and missed them, and how much I think about them.
So, here I am, sitting at a crappy old computer in the MESA lab at cal poly, crying. I hope the one person sitting across the room doesn't notice. Man, I'm tellin' ya, I am an expert cryer. I cry soooo much. Most of the time if I start crying while I'm on the phone with Bryan I can hide it. He gets so worried if I show any sign of anguish so I try to hide it. Because most of the time it isn't even a big deal. I'm just a fucking baby.
So I still don't have a costume for halloween. I might have to just to half-ass it. Buy a pair of wings or ears or something.
I can't wait to be home!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
estoy nerviosa...
The idea has been lurking in my head for a while, but it has finally become apparent. I can't go to Brooks anymore. There are too many things about this school that I don't like, that I can't handle. Plus the 30 grand in tuition each year and having to borrow every penny I need to live off of.
It's a little scary that I've realized this so late in the session. Two weeks ago I was still hopeful. But it dawned on me that I really never should have come to this school in the first place. I'm glad I did, though. I'm glad I was able to escape, as poorly planned as it was.
Bryan likes to remind me of how I picked the first school that came to me, never even bothered to learn the details, and just went for it. Like it's a bad thing. Sure, it hasn't worked out very well but it's not like I'm giving up. I think I would be much happier in a more "normal" class setting. It would be nice to be forced to meet new people once in a while instead of having class with the same dozen people for 3 years.
I'm trying really hard to finish my photo class with a decent grade, even though I stopped doing the assignments like, 2 weeks ago or so...I'm going to have most of them done. Maybe 1 missing, but that's kinda normal for me anyway. I was going to shoot 4 assignments yesterday with Greg, but the universe didn't want me to. First my car over heated on the way to Greg's, so I had to park somewhere and have him come get me. Then I realized that I forgot my frickin' light stand and, well, at that point I was willing to give up for the day, but Greg insisted that we went back to my place to retreive it. Even though my place is a 20 minute drive away.
It actually took over an hour just to get to my place because traffic was really bad. There had been a big crash and an oil spill and traffic was backed up for like 10 miles, at least. I felt really bad. It wasn't like that on the way back though.
So by the time that was all over it was like 6. Too late for daylight shots, which narrowed down my assignments a lot. I was only able to shoot 2 when I could've done 4 or 5.
So I keep thinking "what do I need to do?" Well, I need to go to academic affairs and tell them I'm dropping out, I suppose. Or at least tell them I'm not registering for classes next session. Then I need to find a job. I'll probably pick Trader Joe's because it's right down the street and I know they only want full time people. Then I guess I'll spend a couple of months saving for next semester. I'll have to get myself acquainted with the sbcc campus in the mean time...
*sigh* ...
I just hope this is the last time I have to change my mind, you know? I know I'm still young but I've persued so many things already. I'm really willing to stick to photography, even if that means getting an artsy fartsy Art degree. It's still my dream to live in Santa Cruz...
Brooks is just so ridiculously expensive, I don't know how I ever rationalized going that far in debt for 3 years of school.
On the UCSC website, they estimate that a year would cost about $25,000. That includes tuition, rent, books, transportation, everything. That's $5,000 less than the cost of what my tuition is alone at Brooks. That kind of money is simply not available to people like me. If I went to a UC I would have a less hectic school schedule for sure, which means I could probably find a job and then have to worry even less about loans.
It's all making so much more sense now. That Brooks and I weren't meant to be. That my dreams haven't really changed, I just ignored them for things that seemed to be "better."
It's a little overwhelming when you realize how much control you have over your life. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have this much responsibility put on me, but who else is going to do it? I just sort of have to find things out for myself.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. I've got so much on my mind. Maybe I should focuse a little bit more on my last days as a Brooks student.
It's a little scary that I've realized this so late in the session. Two weeks ago I was still hopeful. But it dawned on me that I really never should have come to this school in the first place. I'm glad I did, though. I'm glad I was able to escape, as poorly planned as it was.
Bryan likes to remind me of how I picked the first school that came to me, never even bothered to learn the details, and just went for it. Like it's a bad thing. Sure, it hasn't worked out very well but it's not like I'm giving up. I think I would be much happier in a more "normal" class setting. It would be nice to be forced to meet new people once in a while instead of having class with the same dozen people for 3 years.
I'm trying really hard to finish my photo class with a decent grade, even though I stopped doing the assignments like, 2 weeks ago or so...I'm going to have most of them done. Maybe 1 missing, but that's kinda normal for me anyway. I was going to shoot 4 assignments yesterday with Greg, but the universe didn't want me to. First my car over heated on the way to Greg's, so I had to park somewhere and have him come get me. Then I realized that I forgot my frickin' light stand and, well, at that point I was willing to give up for the day, but Greg insisted that we went back to my place to retreive it. Even though my place is a 20 minute drive away.
It actually took over an hour just to get to my place because traffic was really bad. There had been a big crash and an oil spill and traffic was backed up for like 10 miles, at least. I felt really bad. It wasn't like that on the way back though.
So by the time that was all over it was like 6. Too late for daylight shots, which narrowed down my assignments a lot. I was only able to shoot 2 when I could've done 4 or 5.
So I keep thinking "what do I need to do?" Well, I need to go to academic affairs and tell them I'm dropping out, I suppose. Or at least tell them I'm not registering for classes next session. Then I need to find a job. I'll probably pick Trader Joe's because it's right down the street and I know they only want full time people. Then I guess I'll spend a couple of months saving for next semester. I'll have to get myself acquainted with the sbcc campus in the mean time...
*sigh* ...
I just hope this is the last time I have to change my mind, you know? I know I'm still young but I've persued so many things already. I'm really willing to stick to photography, even if that means getting an artsy fartsy Art degree. It's still my dream to live in Santa Cruz...
Brooks is just so ridiculously expensive, I don't know how I ever rationalized going that far in debt for 3 years of school.
On the UCSC website, they estimate that a year would cost about $25,000. That includes tuition, rent, books, transportation, everything. That's $5,000 less than the cost of what my tuition is alone at Brooks. That kind of money is simply not available to people like me. If I went to a UC I would have a less hectic school schedule for sure, which means I could probably find a job and then have to worry even less about loans.
It's all making so much more sense now. That Brooks and I weren't meant to be. That my dreams haven't really changed, I just ignored them for things that seemed to be "better."
It's a little overwhelming when you realize how much control you have over your life. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have this much responsibility put on me, but who else is going to do it? I just sort of have to find things out for myself.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. I've got so much on my mind. Maybe I should focuse a little bit more on my last days as a Brooks student.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
things and stuff...
Listening to: system of a down, toxicity album. wooo!
So my sleep schedule is officially fucked up. I was planning on sleeping in pretty late today but woke up at 9 instead. And I had gone to bed at 2, so I only got 7 hours of sleep. Which is like minimum for me because I'm a lazy bastard. I fell asleep around 6 this evening and woke up around 8:30. After that I still felt really physically tired and wanted to go back to sleep really bad, but my brain wouldn't let me. Plus I had a headache for some reason. I think the dry fall weather is drying out my sinuses a little. So what did I do? I stayed in bed until like 1. And mostly because I had a text and couldn't find my phone in the dark.
So I got up and started to wake up a little bit more. Drank some water and took some pain killers because my head still hurt. I went down to the kitchen to make some tea and I noticed a trail of ants going into the cupboards. The fucking ants were in MY food cupboard eating my fucking peanut butter!!! God damn ants! The ants piss me off so bad I almost feel violent while killing them. I violently spray them with whatever cleaner I can find first and I violently wipe them up with paper towels. And I also violently kill the ones that end up crawling up my arms. When I kill ants I like to pick them up between two fingers and then twist my fingers together so I know the ant is thoroughly mutiliated. Sometimes squishing them doesn't work! They're so frickin' small they don't get squished. It's madness. I hate them. I wish I could kill all of them. Beause, honestly, what is their purpose?
I've had a lot of tea today. It's delicious.
I woke up at 9 today because I got a phone call. Not from Bryan, though. It was a guy named Toby that I met at that party last week. It was really funny meeting him. He was all drunk and enthusiastic and wanted to smoke my weed and he called me a "Clean sheep" in Yiddish and he asked "CAN WE BE FRIENDS???" So, yeah, that's Toby.
It was actually my first phone conversation with him. I've pretty much lost all confidence in myself when it comes to getting to know other people, so naturally I was afraid to call him. Somehow he managed to keep me on the phone for like half an hour. I gotta say, he was much more enthusiastic over the phone than in person. It wasn't 100% comfortable hanging out with hin either. He ended up talking to his girlfriend online for like 45 minutes and I was sitting on the couch reading the dictionary.
Seriously, over the phone he sounded like he was practically going to get laid by me coming over. Like, since I smoked him out at that party naturally he would want to repay me. But on the phone he was like "yeah, I figured I owe you a bowl or a massage or whatever..."
He asked if I was still in bed like 3 times too.
Oh! And he called me a beautiful woman. He was like "awesome! I got a beautiful woman coming over!"
Yeah.
I'm actually really glad it wasn't like that when I was with him though. I mentioned "boyfriend" once in conversation and surprisingly enough he hasn't hit on me since! But, remember how I said he had a girlfriend? Yeah, in Tokyo. *shakes head*
So like 30 seconds after I decided to start packing up and go home, he's done talking with his girlfriend. I had mentioned that I was hungry and he started putting on his shoes. I said something like "You going somewhere?" And he said "You said you were hungry, right? Or...were you just going to go home?"
(I did not realize how sad his face got when he asked that until I was walking to my car...And at that point it would have been awkward to change my mind.)
And then I used the excuse of being a hermit and I had spent too much time outisde the house.
I think he's lonely! Just like me! I think we're both just awkward! Fo' real real. I feel like a douche for leaving now. Going to get food could've been cool. Next time!
he seems like a pretty normal guy. a socal dude. he has a surf board that looks pretty well used. Econ major. Into art...apparently speakes Yiddish. Yeah, normal.
peeeaaaacccccceeee!!11!
So my sleep schedule is officially fucked up. I was planning on sleeping in pretty late today but woke up at 9 instead. And I had gone to bed at 2, so I only got 7 hours of sleep. Which is like minimum for me because I'm a lazy bastard. I fell asleep around 6 this evening and woke up around 8:30. After that I still felt really physically tired and wanted to go back to sleep really bad, but my brain wouldn't let me. Plus I had a headache for some reason. I think the dry fall weather is drying out my sinuses a little. So what did I do? I stayed in bed until like 1. And mostly because I had a text and couldn't find my phone in the dark.
So I got up and started to wake up a little bit more. Drank some water and took some pain killers because my head still hurt. I went down to the kitchen to make some tea and I noticed a trail of ants going into the cupboards. The fucking ants were in MY food cupboard eating my fucking peanut butter!!! God damn ants! The ants piss me off so bad I almost feel violent while killing them. I violently spray them with whatever cleaner I can find first and I violently wipe them up with paper towels. And I also violently kill the ones that end up crawling up my arms. When I kill ants I like to pick them up between two fingers and then twist my fingers together so I know the ant is thoroughly mutiliated. Sometimes squishing them doesn't work! They're so frickin' small they don't get squished. It's madness. I hate them. I wish I could kill all of them. Beause, honestly, what is their purpose?
I've had a lot of tea today. It's delicious.
I woke up at 9 today because I got a phone call. Not from Bryan, though. It was a guy named Toby that I met at that party last week. It was really funny meeting him. He was all drunk and enthusiastic and wanted to smoke my weed and he called me a "Clean sheep" in Yiddish and he asked "CAN WE BE FRIENDS???" So, yeah, that's Toby.
It was actually my first phone conversation with him. I've pretty much lost all confidence in myself when it comes to getting to know other people, so naturally I was afraid to call him. Somehow he managed to keep me on the phone for like half an hour. I gotta say, he was much more enthusiastic over the phone than in person. It wasn't 100% comfortable hanging out with hin either. He ended up talking to his girlfriend online for like 45 minutes and I was sitting on the couch reading the dictionary.
Seriously, over the phone he sounded like he was practically going to get laid by me coming over. Like, since I smoked him out at that party naturally he would want to repay me. But on the phone he was like "yeah, I figured I owe you a bowl or a massage or whatever..."
He asked if I was still in bed like 3 times too.
Oh! And he called me a beautiful woman. He was like "awesome! I got a beautiful woman coming over!"
Yeah.
I'm actually really glad it wasn't like that when I was with him though. I mentioned "boyfriend" once in conversation and surprisingly enough he hasn't hit on me since! But, remember how I said he had a girlfriend? Yeah, in Tokyo. *shakes head*
So like 30 seconds after I decided to start packing up and go home, he's done talking with his girlfriend. I had mentioned that I was hungry and he started putting on his shoes. I said something like "You going somewhere?" And he said "You said you were hungry, right? Or...were you just going to go home?"
(I did not realize how sad his face got when he asked that until I was walking to my car...And at that point it would have been awkward to change my mind.)
And then I used the excuse of being a hermit and I had spent too much time outisde the house.
I think he's lonely! Just like me! I think we're both just awkward! Fo' real real. I feel like a douche for leaving now. Going to get food could've been cool. Next time!
he seems like a pretty normal guy. a socal dude. he has a surf board that looks pretty well used. Econ major. Into art...apparently speakes Yiddish. Yeah, normal.
peeeaaaacccccceeee!!11!
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