10 minutes before bedtime...

Damn you www.di.fm !! Actually I'm glad I know about it. I don't exactly have a music collection on my machine and that site is an electronica online radio thing. So I'm listening to techno and imagining Bryan doing that funny hand lotus thing. Because that is the only dance he knows. *sigh* He also can't just appreciate music for what it's worth. So out of the 3.4x10^8 genres of electronic music, he actually has specific preferences. Kinda ridiculous if you ask me.

Bryan doesn't even listen to whole songs most of the time. He skips through, only will play a part of the song, and go to another one. But...why? Does one skip through the pages of a book, only reading the middle section, and call it read? Isn't it dissatisfying to not start at the beginning and stop at the end? I don't understand!

Music is music. If it has a time signature it has the ability to move me. I only wish that more people in this world had a soulful appreciation for music as a concept. Whomever wrote the music, performed it, or even produced it should not influence your opinion of the music. The fanbase for a certain type of music should not influence your opinion. Album sales, radio plays, ticket sales, they don't matter. If you love music, then listen to it and love it.

Music can be so pure and beautiful if you care to listen.

P.S.: Drums are still best used for rythm keeping. And a jazz musician going crazy during his solo is a beautiful thang, not just a bunch of noise.

peace

=\

it's too easy to be distracted.

The image files for 2 assignments and 1 reshoot are due tomorrow at 9 and I don't have any of them done. I could have had one of them done, but instead I had my eyebrows torn out, my face caked with makeup and my hair straightened...It was still fun though. I've never worn liquid eyeliner or lip liner, stick and gloss all at once. But I think I may have to wash my face a second time before I go to bed tonight.

I'm really worried about my loans, or the lack thereof. The economy is doing to bad, I don't know if anybody would give any money to my poor name at this point. But I still have to try. I have 2 days. I don't really know if anything bad will happen if I don't get the loans on time. I mean, I didn't have my first loans finalized until like, 4 days before I started school. I'm scared to call my grandparents. I don't want them to be mad at me. I'm thinking Tim might be a good idea for a cosigner since he actually has an income...

I think my school may just have to come second until I'm comfortable with the loan situation. I mean, it's week 4 and I haven't messed up so far. I can sacrifice a few late assignments to assure that I'll actually be here next session.

So I reeeeeeally want a laptop. I'm sick of this big, noisy, cord-ful desktop that my boyfriend built. Seriously though. It's so fucking loud. And no speakers. So if I'm using the computer, all I'm hearing is WWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Not so much at the moment, though, since Bryan left me some good headphones.

I actually have some money to spare at the moment. As much as I'd like to spend it on a computer, I'm afraid my brakes get squealier and my air matresses gets flatter every day. So, I'm going to use my "extra" money for some past-due car maintenance. And hopefully I can get a real mattress soon, too. My body needs it.
I overheard Karla today say that she spent $100 at the MAC store on makeup. And I'm never going to get to spend money on myself ever again! *sob*

But aside from this shitty life of mine I have Bryan. And that makes it okay. Bryan and I have been together for a year and two months now. And he may have asked me a certain life decision type of question recently...It's also a possibility that I answered with "yes."
don't tell anybody.

Not dying!

So I went to a doctor today. It wasn't free, it cost $20. But that was half off because I have no real income.

What did the doctor say? It's psychosomatic. I have physical symptoms brought on by mental processes. He said the canker sore is caused by stress. He also said it's very common in young adults and it pretty much doesn't happen anymore once you get a little older. Like 40 or so. He gave me an explanation of what a canker sore is and what the immune system does but he was seriously using long medical words I'd never heard before. So, unfortunately I can't explain how the body deals with canker sores.

The pain in the right side of my face is because of the nerve pathways around my ear. The sore is pretty close to my jaw/ear region, so the nerves in that region are sending messages throug out my whole face. (The Doc said that when we develop the ear is the central part of the nerve network in your head) Kind of like when you hit your elbow and your fingers tingle afterwards. It's just a web of nerves.

So, no prescriptions. Just Advil for the pain and mouth wash to keep it clean. It actually feels really good right now. I'm able to eat comfortably for the first time in like 6 days. My jaw is the only thing that feels sore. I could hardly open my mouth to brush my teeth this morning. I still can't open it too wide without a little strain but there's no real pain right now. I took an extra pain killer.

But, hey, I don't have to question if I'm crazy anymore. I just plain am.

a liiiiiittle scared...

Yeah, I'm kinda scared. For my health. What I thought was just a canker sore on my tongue is turning out to be an infection on the whole right side of my face. I'm not oozing pus or anything (ew.) but I can feel pain in my jaw, ear and near my sinuses. Only on the rigt side, though. I found a free clinic and I'm going to try and go tomorrow. I have class from 9:30 to 12:15. The clinics go from 8-11 or 1-4.
Everybody knows that the wonderful thing about public health clinics is that a lot of waiting is involved. I wouldn't have time to do it in the morning. Or would I? Maybe if I got there like an hour early...How many people are going to go be waiting in line at a free clinic at 7 in the morning? Probably a lot, since it's for all of SB and Goleta. That would mean I'd have to leave the house at 6:45 though. That would suck.

Basically, both of these time frames are almost the same as my actual school schedule. Maybe I'll just have to go there right after class tomorrow. Maybe I should just get up early in the morning and go anyway. And if that doesn't work out I'll go again after class.

That's really what I should do. Increase my chances of seeing a doctor as soon as possible. Getting some antibiotics. Making sure my face doesn't rot away...

I have become so resentful of college students that think they're "on their own" but still get most, if not all of their financial responsibilities covered by their parents. They're still young enough to be on their parents insurance (And their parents actually have insurance). The parents open up that locked savings account that was made just for your college fund when you were born and hasn't been touched since. You get a brand new shiny laptop so you don't have to use those awful computer labs. If your car breaks down on the highway or you need a jump start, you just call up AAA because your parents bought you a membership for your safety. You know, totally normal stuff, right? You're on your own now. Psh. Believe me, you can't even fathom what being on your own is truly like. Even though like 99% of college students live like this I still think it's total bullshit. Fuck you guys. Try living in the real adult world for a change.

I feel like the hispanic guy in Half Baked when he quits his job.
*pointing at individual people* Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you. I'm out"

peace.

failure at everything!

so this is what it's like at my school:

Your teacher gives you a new assignment and tells you you'll need equipment that will do this and that. Example: We need to use 2 flashes simultaneously off camera. Which means I need something to put on my camera that I can connect two cords two. That's it. A little piece of plastic with a mount-foot and two female PC connections. But I had to go to Samy's and be totally ignorant and buy/return shit until I got it right.

Well, it's not working. Not when I hook up a single flash to it. Maybe it has to have both connections hooked up to something in order to complete the circuit. Plus when I was messing around with it (like 45 minutes ago) I accidentally flashed it right in my face and my eyes are still weird. I was seeing a crazy colored rectangle for like 5-10 minutes. And I think the rims of the color in my eyes had gone gray. I think. I couldn't see that well.

So I don't know if I can even do this assignment. I'm going to do it with Natasha and Joe in a few but they use pocket wizards. I'm not the type of person that'll go spend $100 just so I don't have to use any cords in my flash system. I need to have a partner because of the whole multiple flash thing. I'm going to SLO again this weekend because it's Bryan's birthday so I won't be able to work with anybody friday, saturday or sunday. And it's due on Tuesday.

Whenever I tell Bryan about stuff like this he just makes me feel like an idiot because I "didn't ask enough questions." How can I have questions about shit I know nothing about? My only question is "Will this work?" And they said yes. So I bought it. I'm stupid. Sorry.

I'm stupid, and I'm poor and I have no friends. The only classmate that will ask me to work with her is a total idiot that gets everything (even tuition!) paid for by her parents. Bryan has told me I should stop associating with her because she's so stupid (and pretty immature/bratty sometimes) but how can I? Like I said, she's the only person that'll work with me.

I hate turning assignments that I know I've done wrong but haven't had the chance to re-do them yet. I'm going to be shooting like 3 assignments in SLO this weekend. 2 of them reshoots.

I have to get my loans renewed by the first of the month or I'm doomed. Which means I have to call up my grandparents and ask them to co-sign for me again. I really wish I could do this all on my own and just not have to "get help" from my family but I guess it's impossible.

And I'm going to close my bank account and move to another bank. I dunno which one. But citibank never sent me my new atm card after my money was stolen. They gave me back all the money, I just don't have an atm or a pin. Plus they charge me $10 a month for not having $1,500 in my account. Yeah, fuck that.

So, as usual, I'm feeling very overwhelmed, pessimistic and alone.

why, hashish, why?

I'm high as hell.
I felt like blogging, so I go to turn the computer on.
As soon as I stand up Bryan calls.
I spray Febreeze.
It takes way too much effort to understand what Bryan is saying.
I get off the phone and situate myself at the computer.
I notice that I sprayed way too much Febreeze and now it's stinky.
I forget what I was going to blog about. But I remember thinking about how awesome it would be. :(
Oh well. Things don't always turn out as planned, I suppose.

Wow, all that story telling got me to remember what I was going to blog about in the first place! (yyayyyyyy)

Anyway, starting over.

Smoking. I started smoking cigarettes right after I turned 18. I was never a heavy smoker. I used to have as little as 1 or as much as 8 cigarettes a day. (the 8 is like a really, really horrible day and getting drunk afterwards. which never happened, actually. I don't know why I used that example. Actually just the drunk part would bring it to 8.) I would go out and buy some fast food just so I'd be able to have a smoke break at home without looking like I hadn't done anything in the time I was absent.

The weird thing is, I never actually felt a physical "fix" when I smoked. I mean, aren't you supposed to feel like you've had a fix? Doesn't your body become physically dependant on it? I never seemed to feel in a better or worse mood because of smoking. I just did it...because it was something to do. I love to sit and just be with myself and my own thoughts. Cigarettes give you something to do when you're just sitting by your thoughts. I suppose the physical act of smoking is a little comforting for me. Lord knows I have an oral fixation like a mutherfucker. Water bottles, lip balm, kissing, fellatio, my labret, enjoying braces possibly a little too much...etc.

I did it because I wanted to. Damn near every time I ran out of cigarettes I'd think to myself, "Do I want another pack?" In the earlier stages I'd go 3 or 4 days without cigarettes because I wouldn't get the opportunity to buy any. But I wanted them. So I kept buying them. By the ending stages I'd be buying new packs before work because I wouldn't have enough to get me through the night and I didn't want to take up my break time buying cigarettes.

The only time smoking cigarettes actualy made me felt good was when I was drunk. Bryan smoked with me at Greg's 21st birthday party. Me and Posey were havin a cigar when Bryan arrived. :D We sat next to each other in the game of Taboo.*sigh* what a wonderful night of sexual tension...He kissed me on the forehead, after leaving me his jacket to use as a blanket, as he left the next morning. This was a long time crush so I was ecstatic. I was still 17 when I first met Bryan. Ever since then I have felt so drawn to him. It's what I always wanted. Oh, and Will broke up with me 3 days after Greg's party.

WTF does that have to do with smoking? It's like 6 names to Kevin Bacon.

Anyway, I quit smoking when I moved to Santa Barbara. I can't explain why. I just stopped wanting them. I didn't feel like it anymore. I moved into a completely new environment with new responsibilities and suddenly cigarettes tasted bad enough for me to stop. It was probably around week 4 of my first session that I gave away my last pack to some hobos. The only other times I've had cigarettes since then have been when I come home and visit my smoker Starbucks people. I hella smoke with them. I smoked a pack over last session. I had bought them as a prop. I mainly smoked them when I was sitting outside with Bryan, smokin' a bowl and watching American Dad or The Simpsons or what have you...

I've come to the conclusion that I just like smoking. It's an enjoyable activity for me. Maybe not so much for my lungs but there's something about it that sets a trigger off. A very subtle trigger. It doesn't cause the relaxation, it's part of the relaxation.

So I'm gonna keep smoking. Mainly herb. Because this stuff actually does make me feel good, and it's not addictive at all. Which is good because I can't afford it. I enjoy being a smoker though.

Well, then, I think I'm going to bundle up and step outside for a honey flavored "little cigar." See, since I'm only doing it for pleasure I picked out something fancy.

Bon nuit.

I heart Rachel Ray

I bought a magazine called Every Day with Rachel Ray and it's freakin' awesome. I only bought it for the pictures. But I've used 2 recipies out of it already. Apple cheddar turkey burgers and chocolate peanut butter fudge crunch bars. Those things were nothing but chocolate, sugar, butter and peanut butter. And rice crispies. They're so horribley good. I'm such a fatty.

I've decided that next time I go home I'll make those bars for the family so there's a better chance of them being happy while I'm there. And because I want to cook in a decent kitchen again.

Tomorrow I have my first photo assignment due. It's called "Flash Fill." What we had to do was take a picture of a person in the middle of the day. In the picture we exposed for the sunlit background, which makes the person 's face dark. So we used the flash off camera to light the face. I had to figure out how far away I needed my flash to be in order for the light to be right. It's actually really easy. The Guide Number is the power of your flash (relative to ISO). The Guide Number can be found by multiplying your f/stop by the distance the flash is from your subject.

So, GN = f*d. My flash's guide number is 80. I shot at f/8. 80 divided by 8 is 10. I had to put my flash 10 feet away from the subject to get a proper exposure. TA-DAA!!1!
Seriously though. I learn a lot of cool shit here.

Gosh, there's so many random things I wanted to blog about but I can't remember now. there's a creepy little spider in my room and I've just been watching it to see where it goes. I don't kill spiders unless they're coming to eat me.

I saw a couple of hilarious movies yesterday. First one is Biodome. A couple of retards sneaking into an extensive science experiment because they need a bathroom and then they end up being heroes in the end. Very silly movie. One I can imagine watching with my family.

Second one was some Canadian indie film called Young People Fucking. There was no actual sex, but a lot of acting sex with panties still in tact. It was a comedy. It followed the "stages of sex" and there were like 5 couples in the movie that all ended up fucking. Following the proper stages, of course. Foreplay, sex, orgasm, afterglow...I kinda forget what the stages were. The couples were stereotypical awkward types of couples: 2 best friends (guy and girl), exes, first date, a real couple that had stopped having sex and the girl ends up using a strap-on on the dude. None of this was graphic at all. You see some boobs and butt, but who hasn't, right? It was really funny.

I'm not homophobic at all. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality. And I'm not offended by it at all, but I don't know what the hell to say when Bryan gives me details about dude sex. Gay sex. BUTT SEX! I'm just like, "really? okay. that's...nice." How many girls out there have boyfriends who have sex with dudes AND chicks? Just think of the possibilities!! Yeah, no. bad joke.

Bryan got me this cleaning solution for my pieces. Mah bubblah that I love so much even though Bryan chipped the carb :( It went a very long time without any cleaning at all. I scraped it for like an hour before Bryan told me I could just buy a cleaner. You just pour the cleaner in the pipe, cover up all the holes and shake it around for a minute. Then rinse it out until all the stuff is gone. It's totally clean. I'm gonna keep my pieces clean and shiny from now on!!

Models

So, in case you didn't already know, I'm not much of a "people person." This is kind of a problem because I'm going to have lots and lots of assignments where I have to shoot people. This means I'm going to have to approach strangers, try to establish some sort of connection with them and ask them to model for me. That's scary!! That's also another reason why I need a job, so I can see more people than just my classmates.

I'm spoiled by the small classes here at Brooks. We started out with like 18 people in our section, now it's down to like, 12 (plus people who are repeating this class, which is quite a few). I don't think it's a hard class, it's just a class where you have to do you work on time and accurately. And there's at least 2 assignments to be done every week. Re shoots pile up and next thing you know it's week 6 and a third of your assignments are unaccounted for! I guess I should mention that there are only 7 weeks of classes each session, and all of the final assignments are due week 6 so they can be reviewed by the class the next week. Week 7 is always a breeze, it's week 6 that kills ya.

Also I can't imagine ever taking more than two classes at a time.

I'm really excited about Lighting Theory (my newest class). We're really starting to learn some important skills that we'd really have to know in order to do professional work. Up until now the classes have been useful (for the most part), but I think the point if those classes are more for getting you into the mind-set of a professional, rather than teaching professional skills. Last session they threw some terms and blurbs at us about lighting but we didn't have any lighting assignments. In this class we're using electronic flash, on and off camera, as well as getting creative with light modifiers. I think my flash is the nicest piece of equipment I have. I couldn't afford a nice DSLR, or a 4x5, or the fancy light meter, but I was able to splurge on my flash. It cost $400. I need to get a bigger camera bag.

I'm in SLO for the weekend because it's only week 1 and I have time to. I'm going back tomorrow night. Bryan really wanted me to come back with him because his roommate is out of town. So we can spread our immorality around the whole apartment. Woo!

I wish I could go to a real doctor for birth control. I think the generic brand they give you at Planned Parenthood is too high of a dose for me. The first week of hormones make me hella smelly. The first couple of months I used the pill it gave me even more acne. I don't get the acne anymore but I'm still stinky. I don't get cramps anymore, which is AWESOME. Because my cramps would get pretty bad. Bad enough so that both sitting and standing were uncomfortable. It's kind of weird to know the exact day my period is going to start though. It was slightly less predictable before. Actually it was all over the place, which is one of the reasons why I started taking birth control.

So let me tell you about Sarah. Sarah is the person I "shared" a room with for my first 4 months here. We lived in a crappy apartment in a loud neighborhood that was like 20 miles from school. She was never really around, she mainly lived with her boyfriend but she'd come home every evening to take a shower and get new clothes. That's all she used the place for: the shower and the closet. Obviously I didn't have the closest relatioship with her.

The night she moved out, after she had left her key and everything, she came back later and had her boyfriend break in through the window because she needed something. It scared the crap out of me! And why the hell didn't she just knock? It was really dumb.

Since it was a crappy apartment, the landlord took some money out of our deposits to make repairs after we moved out. There was a charge of $50 for blinds replacements, door repair and dresser drawer repair. When Sarah saw this she texted me and said I should reimburse her that money because she was never there. It took a couple of weeks to get that taken care of because I refused to answer her because she's a dumb bitch. But eventually I told her, straight and clear, that I was not going to give her any money and if she'd ask again I'd take it as harassment.

So then she was all pissed at me and we'd see eachother in the studios and she'd give me this horrible look and make me nervous...She's a stuck up Japanese chick from the OC and she scares me.

Just recently she emailed me on facebook about how she heard I was at some party and I was talking shit about her. Because that's totally me...So she was bitching at me for that, and she's alway so high-and-mighty and I really wish I had never knew her. She said things like "I don't need high school drama following me into college for no reason." So I told her that I pitied her for having the proper conditioning in high school drama to know what to do in a situation like this. After like the third time I told her I didn't want her talking to me anymore, she finally agreed. We don't talk to each other anymore and it's all her fault because she's a dumb bitch cunt ass face. Fuuuuuuuck her. I wanted to say that to her SO BAD but I didn't. She totally deserves to be called a bitch though. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first she heard it.

Anyway, Bryan's awake now so I'm gonna go.
Peace

post #1

so I made a blog. It seemed like the popular thing to do. I figured it would easier than keeping a journal. Writing makes my hand cramp.


SO... what is up with me? I disappeared from Napa over 6 months ago, without a clue as to what I was getting myself into. I seriously didn't know what the hell I was going to do. There was some pretty weird stuff I had to deal with: trying to finalize my loan, staying in SLO wondering if I was going to make it to Brooks or if I'd have to go back home (while my parents drank in Pismo for 3 days). That's another thing...I was so sad the first night I stayed in SLO on my way to Brooks...When we first arrived Mom and Tim went to look for a hotel almost immediately. I called them a little while later and was expecting to go out to dinner with them but they decided to hang out in bars all night before getting a room, so I didn't have dinner with them. I had imagined our last days together involving more, I dunno, together activities...Out of the three days stuck in SLO limbo I only met my parents once for lunch and a game of pool. Then on the fourth day they emptied the Durango into Bryan's living room and went back home. I remember wanting to just run back into the house and cry after I hugged them goodbye. I didn't want to see them leave or to see Mom wipe her tears from inside the car. But Bryan made me stay. He told me to wave and I did. I watched them leave my life. I was scared.

Shortly after I left for Santa Barbara with my car filled to the brim and nothing but a google map of where my orientation was supposed to be. I had been given the address for a different campus that everyone really was meeting at and was about 45 minutes late because I had to call my rep and ask her what to do. It was the last orientation session of the day. There had been classes all day that I didn't go to because, well, I wasn't there. After orientation I was given directions to my apartment. I met some person there and signed the lease and given my key. Neither of my roommates were home from break yet. I had to move all of my stuff in by myself. I was alone. I didn't have TV or internet. I didn't even have a computer. I just had to prepare myself for the next day or mystery and wonder. And commuting.

The next four months consisted of worrying about having enough money for gas, worrying about money for equipment, worrying about if my roommate hated me for smoking pot. Just a lot of worrying. I was pretty much controlled by worrying. I wouldn't go places because I didn't want to waste gas or I was just afraid something would go wrong. So I didn't do much.I went to school, too. Can't say I did particularly great. I've been scraping by academically but I'm improving...These kinds of things take time for me.

Luckily Greg lived near by and he was never busy. If I had to look something up online or needed a model last minute he was pretty dependable. Plus it made me feel better to know that my oldest friend was nearby when everything else was so far away. He especially helped that one time my car battery flat-out died and I had to go buy a new one. I got him really stoned and took him out to pizza after that. It was really the only thank you I could offer. Getting Greg high is fun because he's such a dweeb anyway and then being high makes him look like even more of a dweeb. It's dweeb-tastic.

I wouldn't still be in Santa Barbara if my boyfriend hadn't helped me out so much. He has bought my gas and groceries in the past. He straight up wrote me a check for a thousand dollars. I would not have been able to afford living here if Bryan hadn't helped me so much.

So I'm gonna stop for now. I think this will be the first of many lengthy posts about my current life and the past 6 months. I'm sure they will all be extremely disorganized and probably pretty sad to read about. But just to let you know: I don't like being a sad person. I know I am sad a lot but it's really not what I want to be. I really, really do try to focus on the better things in life. I remind myself of my goals and stay on the right track and I really do love what I am doing here. I know I'm talking about this place in a very negative sense, but I went through an extreme change of environment and ended up going back to my old ways of thinking as a defense mechanism. When you go back to a behavior that you used when you were younger it's called Sublimation. It fits in with the same category as Repression.

Seriously stopping now.
Peace.