why, hashish, why?

I'm high as hell.
I felt like blogging, so I go to turn the computer on.
As soon as I stand up Bryan calls.
I spray Febreeze.
It takes way too much effort to understand what Bryan is saying.
I get off the phone and situate myself at the computer.
I notice that I sprayed way too much Febreeze and now it's stinky.
I forget what I was going to blog about. But I remember thinking about how awesome it would be. :(
Oh well. Things don't always turn out as planned, I suppose.

Wow, all that story telling got me to remember what I was going to blog about in the first place! (yyayyyyyy)

Anyway, starting over.

Smoking. I started smoking cigarettes right after I turned 18. I was never a heavy smoker. I used to have as little as 1 or as much as 8 cigarettes a day. (the 8 is like a really, really horrible day and getting drunk afterwards. which never happened, actually. I don't know why I used that example. Actually just the drunk part would bring it to 8.) I would go out and buy some fast food just so I'd be able to have a smoke break at home without looking like I hadn't done anything in the time I was absent.

The weird thing is, I never actually felt a physical "fix" when I smoked. I mean, aren't you supposed to feel like you've had a fix? Doesn't your body become physically dependant on it? I never seemed to feel in a better or worse mood because of smoking. I just did it...because it was something to do. I love to sit and just be with myself and my own thoughts. Cigarettes give you something to do when you're just sitting by your thoughts. I suppose the physical act of smoking is a little comforting for me. Lord knows I have an oral fixation like a mutherfucker. Water bottles, lip balm, kissing, fellatio, my labret, enjoying braces possibly a little too much...etc.

I did it because I wanted to. Damn near every time I ran out of cigarettes I'd think to myself, "Do I want another pack?" In the earlier stages I'd go 3 or 4 days without cigarettes because I wouldn't get the opportunity to buy any. But I wanted them. So I kept buying them. By the ending stages I'd be buying new packs before work because I wouldn't have enough to get me through the night and I didn't want to take up my break time buying cigarettes.

The only time smoking cigarettes actualy made me felt good was when I was drunk. Bryan smoked with me at Greg's 21st birthday party. Me and Posey were havin a cigar when Bryan arrived. :D We sat next to each other in the game of Taboo.*sigh* what a wonderful night of sexual tension...He kissed me on the forehead, after leaving me his jacket to use as a blanket, as he left the next morning. This was a long time crush so I was ecstatic. I was still 17 when I first met Bryan. Ever since then I have felt so drawn to him. It's what I always wanted. Oh, and Will broke up with me 3 days after Greg's party.

WTF does that have to do with smoking? It's like 6 names to Kevin Bacon.

Anyway, I quit smoking when I moved to Santa Barbara. I can't explain why. I just stopped wanting them. I didn't feel like it anymore. I moved into a completely new environment with new responsibilities and suddenly cigarettes tasted bad enough for me to stop. It was probably around week 4 of my first session that I gave away my last pack to some hobos. The only other times I've had cigarettes since then have been when I come home and visit my smoker Starbucks people. I hella smoke with them. I smoked a pack over last session. I had bought them as a prop. I mainly smoked them when I was sitting outside with Bryan, smokin' a bowl and watching American Dad or The Simpsons or what have you...

I've come to the conclusion that I just like smoking. It's an enjoyable activity for me. Maybe not so much for my lungs but there's something about it that sets a trigger off. A very subtle trigger. It doesn't cause the relaxation, it's part of the relaxation.

So I'm gonna keep smoking. Mainly herb. Because this stuff actually does make me feel good, and it's not addictive at all. Which is good because I can't afford it. I enjoy being a smoker though.

Well, then, I think I'm going to bundle up and step outside for a honey flavored "little cigar." See, since I'm only doing it for pleasure I picked out something fancy.

Bon nuit.