failure at everything!

so this is what it's like at my school:

Your teacher gives you a new assignment and tells you you'll need equipment that will do this and that. Example: We need to use 2 flashes simultaneously off camera. Which means I need something to put on my camera that I can connect two cords two. That's it. A little piece of plastic with a mount-foot and two female PC connections. But I had to go to Samy's and be totally ignorant and buy/return shit until I got it right.

Well, it's not working. Not when I hook up a single flash to it. Maybe it has to have both connections hooked up to something in order to complete the circuit. Plus when I was messing around with it (like 45 minutes ago) I accidentally flashed it right in my face and my eyes are still weird. I was seeing a crazy colored rectangle for like 5-10 minutes. And I think the rims of the color in my eyes had gone gray. I think. I couldn't see that well.

So I don't know if I can even do this assignment. I'm going to do it with Natasha and Joe in a few but they use pocket wizards. I'm not the type of person that'll go spend $100 just so I don't have to use any cords in my flash system. I need to have a partner because of the whole multiple flash thing. I'm going to SLO again this weekend because it's Bryan's birthday so I won't be able to work with anybody friday, saturday or sunday. And it's due on Tuesday.

Whenever I tell Bryan about stuff like this he just makes me feel like an idiot because I "didn't ask enough questions." How can I have questions about shit I know nothing about? My only question is "Will this work?" And they said yes. So I bought it. I'm stupid. Sorry.

I'm stupid, and I'm poor and I have no friends. The only classmate that will ask me to work with her is a total idiot that gets everything (even tuition!) paid for by her parents. Bryan has told me I should stop associating with her because she's so stupid (and pretty immature/bratty sometimes) but how can I? Like I said, she's the only person that'll work with me.

I hate turning assignments that I know I've done wrong but haven't had the chance to re-do them yet. I'm going to be shooting like 3 assignments in SLO this weekend. 2 of them reshoots.

I have to get my loans renewed by the first of the month or I'm doomed. Which means I have to call up my grandparents and ask them to co-sign for me again. I really wish I could do this all on my own and just not have to "get help" from my family but I guess it's impossible.

And I'm going to close my bank account and move to another bank. I dunno which one. But citibank never sent me my new atm card after my money was stolen. They gave me back all the money, I just don't have an atm or a pin. Plus they charge me $10 a month for not having $1,500 in my account. Yeah, fuck that.

So, as usual, I'm feeling very overwhelmed, pessimistic and alone.