post #1

so I made a blog. It seemed like the popular thing to do. I figured it would easier than keeping a journal. Writing makes my hand cramp.


SO... what is up with me? I disappeared from Napa over 6 months ago, without a clue as to what I was getting myself into. I seriously didn't know what the hell I was going to do. There was some pretty weird stuff I had to deal with: trying to finalize my loan, staying in SLO wondering if I was going to make it to Brooks or if I'd have to go back home (while my parents drank in Pismo for 3 days). That's another thing...I was so sad the first night I stayed in SLO on my way to Brooks...When we first arrived Mom and Tim went to look for a hotel almost immediately. I called them a little while later and was expecting to go out to dinner with them but they decided to hang out in bars all night before getting a room, so I didn't have dinner with them. I had imagined our last days together involving more, I dunno, together activities...Out of the three days stuck in SLO limbo I only met my parents once for lunch and a game of pool. Then on the fourth day they emptied the Durango into Bryan's living room and went back home. I remember wanting to just run back into the house and cry after I hugged them goodbye. I didn't want to see them leave or to see Mom wipe her tears from inside the car. But Bryan made me stay. He told me to wave and I did. I watched them leave my life. I was scared.

Shortly after I left for Santa Barbara with my car filled to the brim and nothing but a google map of where my orientation was supposed to be. I had been given the address for a different campus that everyone really was meeting at and was about 45 minutes late because I had to call my rep and ask her what to do. It was the last orientation session of the day. There had been classes all day that I didn't go to because, well, I wasn't there. After orientation I was given directions to my apartment. I met some person there and signed the lease and given my key. Neither of my roommates were home from break yet. I had to move all of my stuff in by myself. I was alone. I didn't have TV or internet. I didn't even have a computer. I just had to prepare myself for the next day or mystery and wonder. And commuting.

The next four months consisted of worrying about having enough money for gas, worrying about money for equipment, worrying about if my roommate hated me for smoking pot. Just a lot of worrying. I was pretty much controlled by worrying. I wouldn't go places because I didn't want to waste gas or I was just afraid something would go wrong. So I didn't do much.I went to school, too. Can't say I did particularly great. I've been scraping by academically but I'm improving...These kinds of things take time for me.

Luckily Greg lived near by and he was never busy. If I had to look something up online or needed a model last minute he was pretty dependable. Plus it made me feel better to know that my oldest friend was nearby when everything else was so far away. He especially helped that one time my car battery flat-out died and I had to go buy a new one. I got him really stoned and took him out to pizza after that. It was really the only thank you I could offer. Getting Greg high is fun because he's such a dweeb anyway and then being high makes him look like even more of a dweeb. It's dweeb-tastic.

I wouldn't still be in Santa Barbara if my boyfriend hadn't helped me out so much. He has bought my gas and groceries in the past. He straight up wrote me a check for a thousand dollars. I would not have been able to afford living here if Bryan hadn't helped me so much.

So I'm gonna stop for now. I think this will be the first of many lengthy posts about my current life and the past 6 months. I'm sure they will all be extremely disorganized and probably pretty sad to read about. But just to let you know: I don't like being a sad person. I know I am sad a lot but it's really not what I want to be. I really, really do try to focus on the better things in life. I remind myself of my goals and stay on the right track and I really do love what I am doing here. I know I'm talking about this place in a very negative sense, but I went through an extreme change of environment and ended up going back to my old ways of thinking as a defense mechanism. When you go back to a behavior that you used when you were younger it's called Sublimation. It fits in with the same category as Repression.

Seriously stopping now.
Peace.